Today's edition of our mental health awareness, is how to Forgive and Forget.Read this episode of psychology to calm your day.
If somebody else has treated you badly, what are the best strategies for overcoming this, and moving on?
There has been, of course, an enormous amount of research in this field, in relation to everything from getting over a romantic break-up to coping with the after-effects. Now a new study in the specifically investigates how different types of forgiveness towards an offender can help people who are intentionally trying to forget an unpleasant incident.
In initial studies, the team presented online participants with this scenario: just as they are about to move in with their partner, they discover that their partner is having an affair. Participants were then encouraged to forget details associated with this hypothetical unpleasant experience (e.g. a list of adjectives that described the offender). Some were also instructed to forgive the offender either through emotional forgiveness (to “wish that the offender experiences something positive or healing and to focus their thoughts and feelings on empathy”) or decisional forgiveness (“think of the offender as someone who has behaved badly and that you have resolved not to pay her/him back and to treat him/her in a positive, rather than a negative way”.) Others had no forgiveness intervention.
We must learn how to forgive and forget in order to prevent mental disorders.
We can convince ourselves we are mad at someone for one thing, when really we are upset about something entirely different. We won’t forgive a sibling for not coming to our party, when really we are secretly furious they insinuated our marriage wouldn’t last.
The first one is easier to be mad about, but to forgive we have to admit what we really need to let go of.
YOU’VE ATTACHED YOUR CURRENT UPSET TO BIGGER UPSETS FROM THE PAST.
When someone does something that hurts us it can trigger older, deeper pains.
Without realising it we can engage in the ‘snowball affect’. We unconsciously layer the new hurt to the old hurt, until we are facing something too big and overwhelming to forgive and forget.
For example, if our partner leaves us, we can experience feelings of rejection that can pile on top of unresolved experiences of abandonment from childhood. Soon enough we think we have to forgive our partner for thinking we aren’t worthy of love. When really all they did was leave an adult relationship that was no longer serving a positive purpose.
That’s why therapy is so wonderful at helping us forgive. It can help us separate past hurts from present hurts, as well as stop us recreating patterns of pain that put us in a position of needing to forgive in the first place. YOU HAVE MISTAKEN FORGIVING SOMEONE WITH ACCEPTING WHAT THEY DID.
Forgiving someone involves finding at least a modicum of compassion for the other party and their choices. It means allowing yourself to process and heal the hurt their actions have caused you.
This does not, however, mean that you condone what they did. You can disagree with their actions and still let go of your hurt.
YOU ARE SCARED THAT IF YOU FORGIVE SOMEONE YOU’LL BE MADE VULNERABLE.
Feeling angry can make us feel ‘tough’, and can be like an armour keeping away more hurt.
But not forgiving someone leaves us replaying a painful situation in our mind until it erodes our sense of worth. This actually leave us more vulnerable in the long run.
Think of the last time you were furious with someone. How did you feel when you saw them? In all likelihood you felt threatened and very shaken.
But then think of how you felt years later, when all was water under the bridge, and you had let go or resentment. Did they then have any power over you at all?
YOU ARE ADDICTED TO THE BENEFITS OF HAVING A GRIEVANCE.
Not forgiving someone allows us to feel sorry for ourselves, and to gain the attention of others for what has happened to us. That attention can be like a drug we want more of to make ourselves feel better and wanted.
Forgiveness requires being able to let go of our victimhood and realise that we are ready for the better benefits of moving on. It means being ready to feel powerful and choose good things for ourselves.
YOU THINK THAT TO FORGIVE SOMEONE YOU HAVE TO TALK TO THEM.
Forgiveness is about you, and how you feel about something and someone, not how they react to how you feel.
The other person doesn’t have to know anything about your decision. In fact if we want forgiveness to involve a confrontation, we often aren’t ready to forgive at all, but are still looking for more drama.
Have a great day.
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